Cauldron Bottoms: A Rita Skeeter Exclusive
by Prathdrake
Summary: Just a BASILISK fic! In this second Rita fic by Draco Malfoy and Prathdrake, you will read about cauldron buttocks, Eminem, cheap handcuffs, bad dressing, and a train which goes off it's tracks! Read on!


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A/N: Howdy from the two brothers, Draco Malfoy and Prathdrake! Another co-authored BASILISK challenge! This story has the same idea as our last story, The Riot, The Witch and The Tie-Dye Robes, which means it's a Rita Skeeter report. We just had so much fun writing the last one! The requirements were...  
  
-Someone must say "Take it off! Take it off!"  
-Music must be somehow involved.  
-Someone must say "The train is late, so while we wait, we're gonna do a little dance!"  
-Eminem has to make a cameo. If you don't know who Eminem is, he's a white rapper.  
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RITA: Your completely adorable and fashion-obsessed reporter, Rita Skeeter, with you once again, whose quick wit has outraced those of the slow. I'm on location here at the Weatherbee residence interviewing Perky Weatherbee on the subject of...Cauldron buttocks.  
  
PERCY: That's bottoms! And the name is Weasley, if you don't mind.  
  
RITA: That's nice Perky. Now about these rear ends? You say they're thinning? Isn't that a good thing? Speaking of thinning, don't you think I've retained my girlish figure?  
  
PERKY (HE HE): It's cauldron BOTTOMS!  
  
RITA: That's nice, dear. But really, don't you think I'm stylishly slim?  
  
PERCY: Tall, lanky and pinched isn't exactly my idea of stylish.  
  
RITA: Why you little...(Takes the visual-aid cauldron and stuffs it on Percy's head. The bottom breaks off.) I see what you mean about those cauldron backsides.  
  
PERCY: (Pulls the cauldron off of his head.) That's bottoms.  
  
RITA: Enough of your mindless chit-chat! I demand we see your employer, Mr. Barty Crouch!  
  
PERCY: Oh, well...he's dead. But I can take you to see his associate.  
  
RITA: That'll do. What's his name, sweetums?  
  
PERCY: Barnie Crutch. I know what you're thinking, it sounds familiar, doesn't it?  
  
RITA: Strangely enough, yes... (Twilight Zone music starts playing.) Anyhow, we'd better catch the Hogwarts Express to the Ministry of Magic.  
  
PERCY: But the Hogwarts Express only goes to Hogwarts. And anyway, The Ministry of Magic is closer to us than the King's Cross Station.  
  
RITA: Details, Details! Why so many details? I won't be swayed by you and your Chinese mind games! We are taking the Hogwarts Express and that's final.  
  
LATER...  
  
(After riding to the station, Rita has already donned a sequined muu-muu made of bathtub mats. She has also applied 4 inch blood red fake nails. Her crocodile skin bag is dangling "fashionably" at her side.)  
  
PERCY (muttering furiously under his breath): Take it off, take it off!  
  
RITA: Oh, you little joker! Anyway, I always was a girl with an eye for fashion.  
  
PERCY: Is that why you need glasses?  
  
RITA (completely missing the point): Yes, they make me look good don't they? (glances at the clock on the wall) We have a few more minutes. Do you mind if I interview you? Can I use quick-quotes?  
  
PERCY: No!  
  
RITA: Thank you. (Sets up quick-quotes.) Now first of all, Don't you think it strange that at the same time cauldron behinds are thinning and leaking, your employer just happens to go off and get killed?  
  
PERCY: Actually, yes...  
  
RITA: So you admit it!  
  
PERCY: Admit what?  
  
RITA: That you killed your employer, Mr. Crouch, by giving him a defective cauldron, hoarding all the good ones for yourself!  
  
PERCY: What are you talking about? Let's get back on topic.  
  
QUICK QUOTES: Rage fills the eyes of young hoodlum, Perky Weatherbee, as ravishing reporter, Rita Skeeter, tricks him into confessing his cruel betrayal and murder of Mr. Barty Crouch. Antsy, he tries to change the subject, while holding back his fear...  
  
PERCY: What is that thing writing?  
  
RITA: Ignore it, angel. If you want to talk about cauldron rumps, I suppose that would be fine. Tell Aunty Rita all about this "interesting" topic.  
  
PERCY: (Sighs.) Well, not all cauldron making companies agree on the average width of cauldron BOTTOMS. Since there's no legal measurement, some people have gotten extremely nasty burns using faulty cauldrons.  
  
RITA: Hmm...  
  
QUICK QUOTES: Knowing he is trapped, Perky breaks down and discloses the gory details of Mr. Crouch's death. Apparently, young Weatherbee inflicted Bartemius Crouch with first degree burns, until he perished and withered away. How could such a nice young man become a raging tyrant in so short a time?  
  
PERCY: For heaven's sake, put that thing away! I did not kill him, you crack pot!  
  
RITA: (Rolls eyes.) Like I believe that. You certainly take after your numb-noodled father. (Glances at clock again.) Oh my! The train is late, so while we wait, we're gonna do a little dance.  
  
(Rita snaps her fingers, and M & M... er Eminem, her manservant, appears on the scene, spewing rhythmic profanities this way and that. Four lines of random people suddenly gather on the platform and starts doing a Texas line dance, which, as you can guess, does not exactly fit the time of a rap. Everyone gets mixed up and starts doing their own random dances.)  
  
RITA: Oh good, the train is here. I hope he doesn't hit those people dancing on the tracks. Well, darling, let's get on the train.  
  
PERCY: We drove by the Ministry buildings on the way here.  
  
RITA: Did we now? Well, I'm sure if we asked the conductor nicely, and if we tell him who I am, he'll kindly drive off the tracks and double back into town. Come along, now, Perky.  
  
PERCY: That's Percy.  
  
(Rita doesn't listen, but instead puts on her red, cleated, waxy traveling boots. Percy follows in exasperation.  
  
LATER, AT THE MINISTRY BUILDINGS...  
  
(Somehow Percy and Rita have gotten to the Ministry offices. Rita steps out of the train and waits for Percy to come out.)  
  
PERCY: I'm not coming!  
  
RITA: Why not? Are you afraid of the truth?  
  
PERCY: Not unless you're the truth. But fine, I'm coming...  
  
(Percy steps out, and Rita snaps handcuffs onto him.)  
  
PERCY: What do you think you're doing?  
  
RITA: I'm making a citizen's arrest. All the evidence points toward you.  
  
PERCY: What evidence?  
  
RITA: The evidence that you gave! From your interview!  
  
PERCY: That's cheap! And so are these handcuffs! They're plastic!  
  
(Percy breaks the handcuffs and starts running towards the Ministry Building's doors.)  
  
RITA: Come back here! You're going to pay for those handcuffs! And I want a new dress as emotional reimbursement!  
  
LATER...  
  
(While walking to Barnie Crutch's office, Rita brings out here muggle CD player and cranks up the volume, playing acid/psychedelic music at full blast. Rita screams along to the nonsense lyrics).  
  
PERCY: Please turn that off. We're approaching Mr. Crutch's office.  
  
RITA: Stuff it! I'm hoping my taste in music will make a good first impression.  
  
PERCY: If you wanted to do that, you would have changed your clothes  
  
RITA: (Tries to stab Percy with her quill.)  
  
PERCY: Easy, easy! I was...ouch! Only joking!  
  
RITA: Don't mess with me, child. I have powers beyond your comprehension! The earth obeys my every whim. (Freezes and stands still. After a while, she looks around, confused.)  
  
RITA: Darn it, there was supposed to be an earthquake.  
  
PERCY: Come on, oh powerful one. We're there.  
  
(Percy pushes Rita into a large, dark purple office. A man dressed in a sky blue suit is sitting at a desk. He smiles when he sees them.)  
  
CRUTCH: I knew this day would come! My creators have come to visit. Please, tell me, oh badly dressed one, why do I deserve your coveted presence.  
  
PERCY: Uh, Mr. Crutch, it's me, Percy. And this monstrosity (shudders) is Rita Skeeter, a reporter.  
  
RITA: A famous reporter, I'll thank you to remember.  
  
CRUTCH: That name sounds familiar.  
  
RITA: I AM famous.  
  
CRUTCH: Nonetheless, what is it you have come for?  
  
PERCY: Well, Rita would like to know some more about the cauldron derrieres... Oh, for gosh sakes, she's got me doing it too! Anyway, we'd like to know about the cauldron BOTTOMS investigation, for an article Rita is writing.  
  
RITA: Not so fast! You only think I came here for information on your boring investigation. I came to ask you what you think about Weatherbee here.  
  
CRUTCH: What about him?  
  
RITA: I think he is directly responsible for the murder of Mr. Barty Crouch!  
  
CRUTCH: Who?  
  
RITA: Your former associate.  
  
CRUTCH: Oh him. Well, if Weatherbee here has really killed him, then I say we give him 3 cheers.  
  
RITA: What? You mean I got to all this work gathering evidence against him, and you can only show me how corrupt our government is?  
  
CRUTCH: Yep.  
  
RITA: Oh. In that case, Hip Hip...  
  
CRUTCH: Hooray!  
  
RITA: Hip Hip...  
  
CRUTCH: Hooray!  
  
RITA: Hip Hip...  
  
CRUTCH: HOOOOORAAAAY! Hey.. wait a second, what did you say your name was?  
  
RITA: Rita Skeeter, ravishing reporter!  
  
CRUTCH: I know who you are! You're that scam who spied at Hogwarts and was convicted and put under house arrest for another 3 months. You're not even allowed to do a telephone interview for an article.  
  
RITA: Whoopsies. But wait! I saved the school in "The Riot, The Witch, and the Tie-Dye Robes", written by those two charming Canadian brothers. Doesn't that, you know, make all the booboos better?  
  
CRUTCH: I suppose. Why don't you all join me for tea this afternoon?  
  
PERCY: That would be great!  
  
RITA: I'd love that. And after that, we can go buy our summer wardrobes!  
  
PERCY: We're in for one ugly summer...  
  
  
THE END!  
  
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A/N:   
  
DRACO: Well, I suppose Prathdrake gets this story on his account. But if you want to read the first Rita Skeeter story, go to Draco Malfoy's account (e-mail nutty@crazedanddazed.com). I think we had a lot of fun writing this, didn't we, brother?  
  
PRATHDRAKE: Yes, we did.  
  
DRACO: Next story goes on my account, okay?  
  
PRATHDRAKE: Yes, insolent fool.  
  
DRACO: And don't bug me about the spaces after the colon next time! That was annoying. Anyway, who are we doing next time?  
  
PRATHDRAKE: I know! This is the best idea ever! We can do the...  
  
ANNOUNCER GUY: We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by  
  
DRACO: Gee, too bad we experienced technical difficulties. Now the readers don't know what's next. Right, bro?  
  
PRATHDRAKE (in a distant voice): Help me, I'm trapped in cyberspace!  
  
DRACO: Oh...uh... I'd better get to work reversing whatever happened. In the mean time, readers, review and tell us who you think we were planning to interview, or who you think should be interviewed next. Now, bro, where are you?  
  
PRATHDRAKE (again in a distant voice): I think my head is at the Yahoo! site and my foot in hanging around the Harry Potter Website.  
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